Project 30 days sans mindless net surfing

I've had this one on my mind for quite some time and I've been waiting for the perfect time to start it. The idea was to go through some of my open windows in Google Chrome, close or bookmark them and then take a sabbatical from new information.

That would mean: no YouTube, no Instagram, no Facebook, no web surfing beyond a very specific need, which I'll be listing down later.

Of course, I've closed the said windows many times, but I always find ways to open new ones. Also, once I open them, I'm constantly moving to other windows still leaving many behind open for days on end. I want to go back to that important information later, to better apply what I find important, but that doesn't happen.

I'm getting more then annoyed with this urge to constantly consume new information without digesting well what I already learned. There is no time to digest, because in one week I forget all I read and saw before. I know that the brain craves informational food, but there has to be a more efficient way to feed the brain with info that is useful to me for a long term, not just for the 5-10 minutes I stay on a page.

I'm starting today, unprepared, because I'll never be otherwise. I'm going into this experiment because  I want to see what happens when I'm more conscious about my internet use. The goal of the experiment is not to devoid myself of all information, but to direct it for very specific needs.

I will allow myself to have access to all purchased materials that are stored online or on my bookshelves that I haven't had the time to properly study.

Some of these materials include info on:
 - how to build a website
- how to learn play guitar
- how to teach a child to have good knife skills
- how to include more and proper movement into your life
- knitting ( I had two projects in mind)

Specific info that I will allow myself to study within these 30 days that is free on the internet has to do with oral health. I have a serious decision to make on the subject and need to educate myself on the matter.

Also, I've been hoping to cut the overall time spent on the net and gear it towards writing and do some digital decluttering, like my photos and emails.

My high hopes for these 30 days is to see what I'm able to accomplish, if I'm able to stick to the desired regimen, if I enjoy the process.

The ideal experiment would be to go about not reading anything at all, but as an avid reader, I haven't been able to stick to that experiment. Let me start with baby steps and see where it takes me.

I'll be reporting my progress every day on the blog. That way, I'll have something to write about every day and keep me motivated to go on with this project. Let the fun begin!

The why

I've encountered a few suggestions to ask about the reason why I want something in my life. If I figure out the why, then it will be easier to a) stick to complishing it or b) figure out another way to satisfy the why.

Some people will tell right away their reasons, some people need time. I'm in the second category.

To help people like me, there is a simple exercise to follow that will eventually bring you to the real why, because we, humans like to camouflage the truth way too much.

Here it goes. You take the thing you desire and stick it into a sentence where you ask yourself what about this desire is important to you. In my case, what about being a writer is important to me.

You answer once, then you ask same question and this time around insert the previous answer and the cycle repeats for 5 to 7 times. It's a fun exercise, but I'm not sure how well it discovered my truthful why.

My final sentence was:"Being a writer will help me feel normal."

My mind went blank. Hold your horses, pal! There is no such thing as normal, nor will it ever be!

Normal is something you can sort of come up with within a context, a culture, a comparison, a society. Outside of that, normal is just a funny word.

Saying that I want to be normal is like saying I don't want to be myself. And that is not normal.

So I paused to listen to my gut for a better answer. My gut told me that the reason I want to be a writer is because I like to collect experiences and being a writer is sure an interesting experience. Simple! Normal.

The joy is free

Luckily for us, all the feelings we go through are generated by our own mindset. We might not have control over a lot of things, but how we feel, how to deal with our emotions, how to generate good vibes, is totally in our own power.

Try to go for a run and not feel high on the endorphins afterwards. If you're in the dumps, a little or a lot of phisical activity can do wonders to your own morale.

But even if you don't feel like dancing or walking or swimming or playing tennis, (choose your own preffered activity - anything that will get your blood flowing), our brain can do just as much.

Choosing thoughts that are empowering or different from the day to day routine can spark joy too.

Seeing that you're in a vicious loop of destructive thinking is a bit more daunting. But once you're there, there is a buffet of feelings in front of you waiting to be picked.

Yes, it's that easy. You don't have to jump through the hoops ( although literal jumping is quite beneficial), you don't have to have a prestigious job, you don't need to have the partner of your dreams, you don't need to be smart, you don't need anything, but to make a decision.

Today I pick joy and I'm sticking to it! I will radiate joy like the sun radiates heat!

Law of attraction, gratitude and vulnerability

I have a friend who fully believes in the law of attraction. We've often discussed it and shared our experiences about how it worked in our lives. She's more tourough in implementing it than me. Once in a while, I'll forget about it and go back to my old ways.

I saw her today and over a cup of tea, I shared some random thoughts about how lost I felt. I chose to be vulnerable because I felt safe. My friend, with the most possible charm, reminded me of the law of attraction and how by constantly thinking about my being lost I was attracting that. She immediately mentioned gratitude and as she spoke, it didn't feel preechy, but rather like a real wish to help, to bring my energy up.

I connected to her desire and was completely open to her suggestions. There was no resistance from my part. Gratitude? Why not? Bring it on. Practice it at night with my daughter while falling asleep? Great idea! Get in tune with yourself? Pay attention to your thoughts? Choose one good word that would sum up all that you wish? Yes, please!

Needless to say, I left lighter and more at peace then when I came. I went to help my friend and in turn, I got more than I could hope for. I left energized! I'm sure grateful for that!

Another friend got me to open up and be vulnerable as well. I didn't feel safe, but I took a risk. By being vulnerable, I felt more connected to her. And it payed off! The exchange between us was exactly what I was missing and I had a warm feeling after that for a long time. I was very grateful for the moments we shared toghether! And definitely very grateful that I have someone like her in my life.

All in all, it was a very beautiful, human, filled with gratitude day for me! Thanks to wonderful friends, a wish to help, a little vulnerability and the law of attraction! Peace!

Where does the pain go?

I got lost in my memories. I found myself 20 years ago, completely emerged in those events. I candidly remembered all the sweet moments. The one where I was so innocently in love felt the dearest of them all.

All of sudden, smells, textures, old feelings inundated me. And then tears came. From the pain I felt 20 years ago. It startled me. I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to acknowledge that somewhere deep down I still hold that pain hostage.

It only emerged because I was unguarded and allowing myself to relive that moment.

I wonder how many more memories are charged with unexpressed, undealt feelings?

As I was crying silently, a voice inside me kept defending me. A voice I wish I had back then when the painful situation occurred. I could have used its comforting tone. It makes me happy to know that I acquired this voice now. The voice of unconditional love and compassion. The voice of a caring, warm, protective mother.

I loved this voice because it absolved me from guilt and guessing what did I do wrong? It didn't matter. Sometimes it's nobody's fault or it's everybody's fault collectively. It doesn't matter.

What matters is that I didn't tumble into feeling sorry for myself, but rather gently changed the perspective. I didn't have the tools to deal with that situation. I simply didn't have the tools.

Only then, the pain transforms into a different feeling. But until then, where does it go?

Let's play

I have a vague idea about my true calling, but a couple of things definitely define me: love, beauty, compassion and curiosity.

I go through phases when these qualities manifest either to the maximum or the the minimum, or in different doses. When I catch glimpses of them in humanity, I am filled with awe or I cry. Because it touches my deepest cords.

My favorite part is when all of these meet at play, as in playing fun games, like children do. Only for grown ups. Well not only, but it seems that adults dismiss the play as for children only. Or call it something else when this is what they crave and this is what they do.

Weren't we all born to enjoy this journey called life? Wouldn't it be more joyful if we did whatever we're doing with a playful attitude?

The blame game

Today's post is going to be super duper personal and yes, it's a continuation of the previous one.

I woke up with a weird feeling in my stomach: I was sad and anxious and had the sensation of wanting to cry.

 When the opportunity to release some of those emotions came, I jumped on it immediately. What did I do? I called my husband ignorant (which normally I never allow myself - nothing ever good comes out of putting labels like that on people) knowing that it will start a chain reaction. He didn't disappoint and we got into a heated argument.

I got my reason to cry. So I did. I felt ignorant myself and guilty for starting the whole thing and wondering why do I need to feel smart and it all came down to the fact that I'm not feeling worthy of love unless I'm smart and knowledgeable. What a bunch of non-sense, but at that moment, it felt quite real.

 As you can see, a whole drama was happening in my head. I wanted to document this because I really hope that it will be of some help to others who go through similar vicious circle.

Of course, the first impulse is always to blame the other person. As I was planning revenge schemes in my head to teach my husband a lesson, I saw myself from aside and quickly realized what I was doing.

After reading so many books about relationships and not being able to handle this argument right and
finding myself sobbing, I really felt stupid. And just like that, I switched gears: I stoped blaming my husband and started blaming myself. After all, I was the mastermind behind all this suffering.

Having practiced self-observation before, I realized I was on this pattern that I've used before on
numerous occasions. That helped me to stop the tears. Then I remembered this funny skit I saw on YouTube https://youtu.be/oMniRAh7lcI about...well, maybe you should see for yourself.

It brought me back to senses and got me out of the blame game. It's not worth it to me. Bonus: I feel lovable again.