I have a vague idea about my true calling, but a couple of things definitely define me: love, beauty, compassion and curiosity.
I go through phases when these qualities manifest either to the maximum or the the minimum, or in different doses. When I catch glimpses of them in humanity, I am filled with awe or I cry. Because it touches my deepest cords.
My favorite part is when all of these meet at play, as in playing fun games, like children do. Only for grown ups. Well not only, but it seems that adults dismiss the play as for children only. Or call it something else when this is what they crave and this is what they do.
Weren't we all born to enjoy this journey called life? Wouldn't it be more joyful if we did whatever we're doing with a playful attitude?
Sunday, March 12, 2017
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
The blame game
Today's post is going to be super duper personal and yes, it's a continuation of the previous one.
I woke up with a weird feeling in my stomach: I was sad and anxious and had the sensation of wanting to cry.
When the opportunity to release some of those emotions came, I jumped on it immediately. What did I do? I called my husband ignorant (which normally I never allow myself - nothing ever good comes out of putting labels like that on people) knowing that it will start a chain reaction. He didn't disappoint and we got into a heated argument.
I got my reason to cry. So I did. I felt ignorant myself and guilty for starting the whole thing and wondering why do I need to feel smart and it all came down to the fact that I'm not feeling worthy of love unless I'm smart and knowledgeable. What a bunch of non-sense, but at that moment, it felt quite real.
As you can see, a whole drama was happening in my head. I wanted to document this because I really hope that it will be of some help to others who go through similar vicious circle.
Of course, the first impulse is always to blame the other person. As I was planning revenge schemes in my head to teach my husband a lesson, I saw myself from aside and quickly realized what I was doing.
After reading so many books about relationships and not being able to handle this argument right and
finding myself sobbing, I really felt stupid. And just like that, I switched gears: I stoped blaming my husband and started blaming myself. After all, I was the mastermind behind all this suffering.
Having practiced self-observation before, I realized I was on this pattern that I've used before on
numerous occasions. That helped me to stop the tears. Then I remembered this funny skit I saw on YouTube https://youtu.be/oMniRAh7lcI about...well, maybe you should see for yourself.
It brought me back to senses and got me out of the blame game. It's not worth it to me. Bonus: I feel lovable again.
I woke up with a weird feeling in my stomach: I was sad and anxious and had the sensation of wanting to cry.
When the opportunity to release some of those emotions came, I jumped on it immediately. What did I do? I called my husband ignorant (which normally I never allow myself - nothing ever good comes out of putting labels like that on people) knowing that it will start a chain reaction. He didn't disappoint and we got into a heated argument.
I got my reason to cry. So I did. I felt ignorant myself and guilty for starting the whole thing and wondering why do I need to feel smart and it all came down to the fact that I'm not feeling worthy of love unless I'm smart and knowledgeable. What a bunch of non-sense, but at that moment, it felt quite real.
As you can see, a whole drama was happening in my head. I wanted to document this because I really hope that it will be of some help to others who go through similar vicious circle.
Of course, the first impulse is always to blame the other person. As I was planning revenge schemes in my head to teach my husband a lesson, I saw myself from aside and quickly realized what I was doing.
After reading so many books about relationships and not being able to handle this argument right and
finding myself sobbing, I really felt stupid. And just like that, I switched gears: I stoped blaming my husband and started blaming myself. After all, I was the mastermind behind all this suffering.
Having practiced self-observation before, I realized I was on this pattern that I've used before on
numerous occasions. That helped me to stop the tears. Then I remembered this funny skit I saw on YouTube https://youtu.be/oMniRAh7lcI about...well, maybe you should see for yourself.
It brought me back to senses and got me out of the blame game. It's not worth it to me. Bonus: I feel lovable again.
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