I got lost in my memories. I found myself 20 years ago, completely emerged in those events. I candidly remembered all the sweet moments. The one where I was so innocently in love felt the dearest of them all.
All of sudden, smells, textures, old feelings inundated me. And then tears came. From the pain I felt 20 years ago. It startled me. I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to acknowledge that somewhere deep down I still hold that pain hostage.
It only emerged because I was unguarded and allowing myself to relive that moment.
I wonder how many more memories are charged with unexpressed, undealt feelings?
As I was crying silently, a voice inside me kept defending me. A voice I wish I had back then when the painful situation occurred. I could have used its comforting tone. It makes me happy to know that I acquired this voice now. The voice of unconditional love and compassion. The voice of a caring, warm, protective mother.
I loved this voice because it absolved me from guilt and guessing what did I do wrong? It didn't matter. Sometimes it's nobody's fault or it's everybody's fault collectively. It doesn't matter.
What matters is that I didn't tumble into feeling sorry for myself, but rather gently changed the perspective. I didn't have the tools to deal with that situation. I simply didn't have the tools.
Only then, the pain transforms into a different feeling. But until then, where does it go?
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