Let's play

I have a vague idea about my true calling, but a couple of things definitely define me: love, beauty, compassion and curiosity.

I go through phases when these qualities manifest either to the maximum or the the minimum, or in different doses. When I catch glimpses of them in humanity, I am filled with awe or I cry. Because it touches my deepest cords.

My favorite part is when all of these meet at play, as in playing fun games, like children do. Only for grown ups. Well not only, but it seems that adults dismiss the play as for children only. Or call it something else when this is what they crave and this is what they do.

Weren't we all born to enjoy this journey called life? Wouldn't it be more joyful if we did whatever we're doing with a playful attitude?

The blame game

Today's post is going to be super duper personal and yes, it's a continuation of the previous one.

I woke up with a weird feeling in my stomach: I was sad and anxious and had the sensation of wanting to cry.

 When the opportunity to release some of those emotions came, I jumped on it immediately. What did I do? I called my husband ignorant (which normally I never allow myself - nothing ever good comes out of putting labels like that on people) knowing that it will start a chain reaction. He didn't disappoint and we got into a heated argument.

I got my reason to cry. So I did. I felt ignorant myself and guilty for starting the whole thing and wondering why do I need to feel smart and it all came down to the fact that I'm not feeling worthy of love unless I'm smart and knowledgeable. What a bunch of non-sense, but at that moment, it felt quite real.

 As you can see, a whole drama was happening in my head. I wanted to document this because I really hope that it will be of some help to others who go through similar vicious circle.

Of course, the first impulse is always to blame the other person. As I was planning revenge schemes in my head to teach my husband a lesson, I saw myself from aside and quickly realized what I was doing.

After reading so many books about relationships and not being able to handle this argument right and
finding myself sobbing, I really felt stupid. And just like that, I switched gears: I stoped blaming my husband and started blaming myself. After all, I was the mastermind behind all this suffering.

Having practiced self-observation before, I realized I was on this pattern that I've used before on
numerous occasions. That helped me to stop the tears. Then I remembered this funny skit I saw on YouTube https://youtu.be/oMniRAh7lcI about...well, maybe you should see for yourself.

It brought me back to senses and got me out of the blame game. It's not worth it to me. Bonus: I feel lovable again.

When fighting

It's very important to keep the subject on your own feelings when fighting. But it's hard.

It's just so much easier to blame and point fingers and decide that the reason of frustration is the other person and you, yourself have nothing to do with it.

Wait a minute. Have you solved the situation or simply dumped your complicated feelings on the other person to deal with them? Did things get better for both parties or became worse? Do you play the victim game or do you take responsibility for your share of the load?

Consider this: you can't change the other person, you can only change your attitude.

There are only two options: accept things as they are or do something about it. By doing, I mean saying calmly what your action is going to be, not merely get frustrated, vent and then back to square one.

Taking real action is definitely scarier than getting into a fight, because then you have to be ready to let bridges burn. Only a balanced adult can do that. Are you an adult or just playing the game?

Listen to yourself

I'm on a roll with the subject matter. It's calling me to step into the unknown world of my own gut.

The experience of the past couple of days shows me that this gut is right about little mundane things. (Almost like predicting my future a few seconds before it happens)

Yeah, I'm almost inclined to think that it's the power of the brain, not the gut, but I noticed: the brain is silent in those moments. Yet I have an inner intelligence that has no doubts and knows ahead of me what's going on. Call it intuition. It blows my mind.

I've been ignoring it for so long. Do you want know why? (Nope is my response if you ask me)

I believe anyone else and even my brain before I believe myself. I need someone else to tell me about how gut intuition works before I can give in. I have to test it to the max before I can say that it truly works. But why?
My gut is telling me to take it easy with food after being in bed because of a virus and consume less information. Reading books right now are not in my gut. And I'm going to listen.

Make your own rules

The Internet is full of advice and lists of rules from successful people. They stem from their own experiences and many trials and errors.

We could spare ourselves the pain of trying and failing by using these rules, or we can use our feelings as a guide to figure out our own rules. We can combine, tweak and change these rules to suit our lifestyle.

It's best if they are few, are clear and easy to follow. These principles will help with our integrity and management of complicated life situations.

Finding our own set of rules that resonate with who we are helps with the choices we make and the virtues we want to express.

Our rules might not be convenient from someone else's point of view, but at least they will know our stands and either accept or refuse them.

It also makes sense for rules only to simplify and better our life. We use them as helpful tools to serve us, not to become slaves to them. If any such advise or rule isn't working for us anymore, then it's time to let go of it.

Acceptance

Just two years ago, I learned that sickness occurs when we don't accept our reality. It was a hard concept to digest. Especially, the acceptance part. I had some resistance in me and I didn't know how in the world, could I possibly be more patient, more accepting then I already am?

But patience has nothing to do with acceptance. Yes, I was patient on the outside, but inside I was confused and still thinking about how things could be, should be, are not.

Then, slowly, I started paying attention to these thoughts in my head, questioning the place where they were coming from and what was their purpose. The more I payed attention, the easier it got to turn them off and switch to different thoughts. Sometimes I even managed to shut up this internal dialogue for a few seconds. Pure bliss.

Only recently it occurred to me that I no longer feel resistance. I've learned, or better say, I accepted my reality. Because any reality is better then being in your head. And reality is also what we make of it. Reality is neutral, but our feelings about it are not.

It's important here not to lie to ourselves. All feelings are welcome and they bring great insights into what we want, who we are, what we stand for. Once we accept our true feelings, life is clearer and easier to live.

The final sentence: don't be afraid of acceptance. Embrace it.

People who make us

This post has been on my mind a lot lately.

 As I watch movies, or read books and articles about talented people and artists, I catch myself thinking about all the people that are behind the scenes, part of the entourage. People who shaped, people who inspired. People who gave a good advise, people who took care of stuff.

Sometimes I even think of myself as a tapestry woven by so many people who are or have been in my life. Not just parents or my partner and children. Not just close friends. But strangers too. People I've only met once and who made an impression on me. People who came and went with a very specific message. People who touched me with their kindness, or beauty, or originality, or audacity, or simply with their presence.

I want to say big thank you to these people because they matter without even knowing it!