When fighting

It's very important to keep the subject on your own feelings when fighting. But it's hard.

It's just so much easier to blame and point fingers and decide that the reason of frustration is the other person and you, yourself have nothing to do with it.

Wait a minute. Have you solved the situation or simply dumped your complicated feelings on the other person to deal with them? Did things get better for both parties or became worse? Do you play the victim game or do you take responsibility for your share of the load?

Consider this: you can't change the other person, you can only change your attitude.

There are only two options: accept things as they are or do something about it. By doing, I mean saying calmly what your action is going to be, not merely get frustrated, vent and then back to square one.

Taking real action is definitely scarier than getting into a fight, because then you have to be ready to let bridges burn. Only a balanced adult can do that. Are you an adult or just playing the game?

Listen to yourself

I'm on a roll with the subject matter. It's calling me to step into the unknown world of my own gut.

The experience of the past couple of days shows me that this gut is right about little mundane things. (Almost like predicting my future a few seconds before it happens)

Yeah, I'm almost inclined to think that it's the power of the brain, not the gut, but I noticed: the brain is silent in those moments. Yet I have an inner intelligence that has no doubts and knows ahead of me what's going on. Call it intuition. It blows my mind.

I've been ignoring it for so long. Do you want know why? (Nope is my response if you ask me)

I believe anyone else and even my brain before I believe myself. I need someone else to tell me about how gut intuition works before I can give in. I have to test it to the max before I can say that it truly works. But why?
My gut is telling me to take it easy with food after being in bed because of a virus and consume less information. Reading books right now are not in my gut. And I'm going to listen.

Make your own rules

The Internet is full of advice and lists of rules from successful people. They stem from their own experiences and many trials and errors.

We could spare ourselves the pain of trying and failing by using these rules, or we can use our feelings as a guide to figure out our own rules. We can combine, tweak and change these rules to suit our lifestyle.

It's best if they are few, are clear and easy to follow. These principles will help with our integrity and management of complicated life situations.

Finding our own set of rules that resonate with who we are helps with the choices we make and the virtues we want to express.

Our rules might not be convenient from someone else's point of view, but at least they will know our stands and either accept or refuse them.

It also makes sense for rules only to simplify and better our life. We use them as helpful tools to serve us, not to become slaves to them. If any such advise or rule isn't working for us anymore, then it's time to let go of it.

Acceptance

Just two years ago, I learned that sickness occurs when we don't accept our reality. It was a hard concept to digest. Especially, the acceptance part. I had some resistance in me and I didn't know how in the world, could I possibly be more patient, more accepting then I already am?

But patience has nothing to do with acceptance. Yes, I was patient on the outside, but inside I was confused and still thinking about how things could be, should be, are not.

Then, slowly, I started paying attention to these thoughts in my head, questioning the place where they were coming from and what was their purpose. The more I payed attention, the easier it got to turn them off and switch to different thoughts. Sometimes I even managed to shut up this internal dialogue for a few seconds. Pure bliss.

Only recently it occurred to me that I no longer feel resistance. I've learned, or better say, I accepted my reality. Because any reality is better then being in your head. And reality is also what we make of it. Reality is neutral, but our feelings about it are not.

It's important here not to lie to ourselves. All feelings are welcome and they bring great insights into what we want, who we are, what we stand for. Once we accept our true feelings, life is clearer and easier to live.

The final sentence: don't be afraid of acceptance. Embrace it.

People who make us

This post has been on my mind a lot lately.

 As I watch movies, or read books and articles about talented people and artists, I catch myself thinking about all the people that are behind the scenes, part of the entourage. People who shaped, people who inspired. People who gave a good advise, people who took care of stuff.

Sometimes I even think of myself as a tapestry woven by so many people who are or have been in my life. Not just parents or my partner and children. Not just close friends. But strangers too. People I've only met once and who made an impression on me. People who came and went with a very specific message. People who touched me with their kindness, or beauty, or originality, or audacity, or simply with their presence.

I want to say big thank you to these people because they matter without even knowing it!

The illusion of who we are

We have these ideas of who we are and how we are defined but certain features. When I speak to people, they'll tell me how they are serious and reliable, but not playful and energetic, or silly and communicative, but not goal-oriented and success-driven. Compassionate, but not funny, or skilled and introverted, or extroverted and disorganized.

These statements make me smile because nothing is further from the truth. In the daily life, under stable and repetitive circumstances, we might have the apearance of a certain personality. Change a few variables like a new, unusual place, different people, different work ethic, different culture, etc. and all of sudden you have a whole new person, sometimes quite the opposite from the usual.

We don't even have to go to the extremes. Even in the daily life, we can act different based on the mood, an inspiring interaction with another human being, an impression something made on us like a movie, a poem, a book, an accident.

An actor has access to many different characters. These characters are as much a part of him as his usual persona. He just chooses not to be those characters in his daily life.

So do we. We choose to be a certain way because that's how we learned to adapt and cope with the world.

Some features are almost forced upon us by parents and friends because they see us in a certain way. They mention it constantly thus making us play that part till it feels like it's always been there.

Some features awaken as a result of unusual circumstances. Some are purposefully taken to correspond with the entourage, even though deep inside you'd rather not do it.

There are multiple masks we juggle based on our needs. Yet, we think these masks represent us, they are us. They are not. We do not know who we really are and what we're capable of until we try it.

Instead of placing labels on ourselves and stick with them, I invite you to be curious and wonder what else can I be?

Focus

When your mind is pulling you all over the place and your attention is scattered, it helps to focus on one task only.

I find a certain pleasure in immersing myself in the task fully as if nothing else exists. My self-awareness disappears, time disappears, hunger disappears and even people around disappear. The whole process from beginning to end is pleasant, not because it's easy, but because it takes my whole entire being to get it done.

Some call it being in the zone (there are other names for this state of mind) and it's truly magical. Once I'm done with the task, the satisfaction from it nourishes me for days.

Not all tasks are capable to grab me like that, but I noticed that those tasks that are exciting and slightly difficult and I have to figure something out ( put my brain to work) are the ones to fit the bill.

Still, if you choose to focus on one task, truly pay attention what's going on (being present) - even doing dishes could be cathartic.

*** today, one of these tasks was sewing x-mas gifts for my neighbor's kids - a whole day went by like a minute.